Thoughts about Death

A couple of days ago unfortunately my friend's pet rat passed away. He had to take it to be cremated, and then wondered how people can do something like that as a job. I found that question odd, as in why couldn't one? We're both witches and pagans too, so the question quite baffled me, as I'd say that I have a very comfortable relationship with death, though it wasn't until within the couple few years that I developed it. 

Only within the last few years as I started my practice, have I gotten more comfortable with things like death and deathwork and anything related to it. I love and adore working with animal remains and the spirits that lie within, I find what morticians do fascinating and respectful, I love walking in graveyards, bringing a candle with me to respect the dead and spirits present. Just some years back I hated graveyards and how I felt when I was in them, but gladfully that has changed. 

When it comes to animals, sure their deaths are very sad, but also I find it beautiful to work with animal remains so that you can still respect and love the animal even after they're gone. I adore the crow wing I own, the feathers, I'd love to get more bones and skulls in this house. Death of animals is often sad, but I see a lot of beauty in it as well.

When it comes to death of ME, I've never really given a fuck. I've had suicidal ideations plenty but I'm enough of a coward to never go through with it, nor do I want my family and friends to experience that grief. When I die eventually, I'd love to be buried in a coffin of mushrooms, where they can break down my body and the harmful chemicals that would otherwise return to the atmosphere. So my personal relationship with death is good and I do not fear it.  

I've experienced the deaths and funerals of only two of my family members, both my grandmas. The first one was my dad's mom, who I wasn't very close with, but I'll always remember when mom came to tell me that she had died and I saw my dad cry for the first time, and then of course I cried too. I don't remember the announcement of my moms moms death, but I remember the funeral where I cried and my eyes hurt and I couldn't listen to any of the people giving a speech because I'd just cry more. I was 15 when the latter happened, just moved out to another city to a new place and school, and definitely didn't have the skills nor time to actually comprehend nor process that I had just lost the person who was so so ingrained to my youth as grandma. I processed this a lot just a few months ago on the 8th anniversary of her passing and it was then that I realized how little I had actually thought about it and the impact it had on me. Mostly because I remember very little of those years thanks to trauma and being burned out and finding out a lot about myself, and that was just another thing that happened then. But I got to process that finally, and while there's a lot of underlying things I regret, a lot of them I couldn't have affected due to being so young. Nowall I can do is remember her with fond memories and honor her, maybe not in the way she would've honored the dead as she was a devout christian part of a revivalist movement, but as me with my ways as a pagan and a witch. I don't think we would've seen eye-to-eye if I was this age when she was around seventy and still living on her own and doing all her own things, she owned a cabinet full of icons and pictures Jesus, we prayed goodnight etc. But I still think she would've been proud of me. 

While I have a lot of thoughts about death, I want to say I'd be great with it when it comes to animals, good with it when it comes to people I don't know, and okay with it when it comes to humans I do know. With the death of my moms mom, I was young and didn't have time nor skills to process it. If it would happen now, I'd know so much more about how to grieve and how to handle death, and I likely wouldn't have as many regrets as I do from when I was a just a small child. Writing this out made me realize that there is still some things that I need to process and haven't fully, but that's okay. I'm just very happy that I've made quite a lot of progress with the subject within a few short years.